《Chris Diary》（3）
She said, “Chris, I can’t find it, it’s not there
anymore.”
I felt so sour
inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I’ve never felt
before. But all I could do was pretend I didn’t care, and
said, “Can we go now?”
I opened up my
big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn’t want to leave
yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, “You made up the
story of you and that other girl didn’t you? I know I
frustrate you sometimes, but I’ll change, can’t we start
over?”
I didn’t say a word,
just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards
the train station, didn’t say a word to each other.
Four years ago,
the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable.
Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even
forgot about the cancer. I didn’t think about the cancer again and did not go back
to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks
straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain would
go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn’t take it
anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray.
她说：“克里斯，我找不到了，它不在了。”
我心里感到一丝酸楚，有一阵疼痛涌上心头。这是一种我以前从未体味到的痛楚。但是，我所做的只是假装我并不在乎，我说：“我们现在可以走了吧？”
我撑开我的黑色大雨伞，而她却还站在那里，还不想离开，希望还能有一点机会。她说：“你和那个女孩的故事，是你编的吧？我知道我有时候很让你泄气，但我会改的，我们能重新开始吗？”
我没有说一句话，只是摇着头。之后，我们就一直朝火车站的方向走去，没有和对方说一句话。
四年前，医生说我得了癌症，由于病情发现得早，所以仍有治愈的可能。我认为万事太平了，我就重新过我的平常生活，几乎将癌症的事情遗忘了。我没有再想癌症的事，也没有去看医生。可是一个月后，我的胃一直疼了两个星期，晚上噩梦又吓醒我。当初，我认为胃疼一阵就会没事的，可是疼得越来越厉害，我都不能忍受住了。我去看医生并拍了X片。
The picture
came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not
want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was
coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the
least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn’t let people
find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in
this whole world, who still doesn’t know about the truth. Susan was still
young, she shouldn’t have to go through this. So I made up some stories and
lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the
fastest way to wipe out three years’ feelings. I didn’t have much time, because
I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I’m
close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this
would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.
The train had
stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there,
waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.
I saw the taxi
from far away; I held my tears and said to her, “Take care of
yourself, take good care of yourself.”
She didn’t talk, just
nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on
the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one
black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in,
then I close the door that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the
car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last
one, walking out of my life.
图片出来后发现有一个大的黑点，事实证明了一切，我都不敢相信。我正处人生中最辉煌的时期，可生命却走到了尽头。我想我要尽可能减少我和我身边的人的痛苦，于是我决定自杀，可我又不能让他们知道我的用意，特别是苏珊。苏珊还很年轻，她不能目睹这个，于是我就编故事骗她。这是很残忍的事情，让她伤心，可是这也是能掩盖三年感情的最简单方法。我的时间不多了，因为我很快就要散开头发，到时她就会发现事情的真相了。我几乎快要成功了，这出戏也将很快结束。我脑子里想的就是再多三十分钟就会结束。
火车停下来了，我给她叫了辆出租车，可我们只是站在那里等待，最后陷入了沉默的状态。
我看见远处的出租车，忍住眼泪对她说：“照顾好你自己，好好照顾你自己。”
她没有说话，只是轻轻地点下头，之后打开她那把变形的雨伞走向大路。在雨中，我们俩孤零零的，一个红色的，一个黑色的，彼此之间的距离是那么的遥远。我为她打开门，她走进去，我关上了门，一扇门把我们俩永远地分开了。我站在出租车的旁边，向那扇黑色的窗户望去。人生中的第一次恋爱，也是最后一次恋爱，却走出了我的生命。
